Balls, Tits and Fannies

05 July 2010

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George Orwell the great British writer once said ‘A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion’... So, considering most dirty jokes are based on the three title words of this article, it makes one consider the mental state of our nation. 

One in three people are affected by cancer and a round a quarter of the population dies from it yearly. That’s probably the reason why everyone wants to know how to prevent it. Every other Londoner is walking around with a pedometer, although I struggle to see the relevance of why it matters how many steps there are between desk and vending machine. Fruits and vegetables are the intentions on one’s lunch break, even though Macy D’s (so American I know) sometimes throws a saucy picture at you that causes your brain to go into ‘I need cheese burger NOW mode’ and then there’s the old ‘quit smoking stuff’.

All the above are cancer battling techniques without a doubt, however what’s pinky without the brain? (Shout out to all you old school cartoon lovers). What’s healthy living without early detection? Unfortunately for us, cancer isn’t just caused by super greasy, tasty burgers, but also reasons that are harder to control, like sunlight exposure, and there are those yet known to mankind. So here is the pukka Jamie Oliver style menu:

If you add a little veg, throw in some fruits, dash a handful exercise and bin the ciggys, but please, please don’t forget to sprinkle (saturate) the pie (or cake??) with EARLY diagnostics….

Testicles

As far as cancers go, this one is the more positive of them, although I say that from a scientific stance (cringed face.) It is most common in men aged 20 – 39 and around 2100 men are diagnosed yearly in the UK. Fear not, though: nearly all men are cured of the disease. So, why am I banging on about it if it’s curable? Well, if you check your testicles (In an informative voice “please see instructions below”) it means any changes can be noticed early. At stage one, usually a patient will have the offending testicle removed. At that stage the tumour is small and carries less of a risk. Whereas, if noticed at stage 4 due to lack of early self-screening (naughty), the patient will require chemo and probably surgery too. Now, although either way most people are cured, at stage four you have to go through the process of chemo, the sickness, hair loss and so on.

Think of it like this:

Profile 1: Jade at 22, young, in shape, impressionable and idealistic, no children and a direct flow of income from daddy dearest.

Effort to get off the single’s list: Jade will be pretty easy to remove from the single list (come on work with me, Jane represents a tumor, Ya dig?)

Profile 2: Jade at 48, 2 brats later, oops I mean kids, (that your expected to help support – Where’s daddy dearest when you need him ay?) completely lost the head turning figure and has so many issues with men it’s hard to keep up.

Effort to get off the single’s list: Her chance of hopping off the single list is going to come with a lot more hard work.

The point here is one must catch Jade at 22; I will say no more!!

Breasts

It’s really important that breast cancer is found early; it makes a massive difference to treatment and the success of the treatment. It is the most common cancer in the UK and even men can get it too. For women between 50-70 there is a breast screening program, run by the NHS, which saves around 1400 lives a year by finding tumours early.

Again, the issue here falls to timing: our body really responds to time. Robbers in your house for an hour could probably clear it out, whereas a robber in for 6 minutes after being disturbed by the ‘super protective barks bigger than it’s bite’ Chihuahua, won’t get much. Examine yourself regularly (method below.)

Breast cancer found in stage one is curable in 9 out of 10 women. That slumps to 1 out of 10 at stage 4. Remember that swine flu ad a while back? ‘Catch it, Bin, it, Kill it’? Here is my version:

‘Spot it, Tell a doctor, Treat it EARLY’

Hasn’t got the ring of the swine ad but, hey I am not a poet and besides you get the point!!

Vaginas

Cervical cancer is one of the most common cancers in women between 30 -39. Women say they don’t want to get a smear test because it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing, and that bugs me. Cervical screening saves lives! In fact step into the:

Magic Game Show Of Prevention

Pick a door, behind door number 1 we have:

  • A life threatening disease
  • Chemotherapy
  • Ladies please don’t forget the loss of all that hair and the emotional battle.

Then behind door number 2 we have:

  • Half an hour with another FEMALE nurse / doc who could not care less about you private bits and just wants to have a quick look at your internal cells.

Hard choice?

You see, if cervical cancer is spotted early the damaged cells can be removed and in essence you can get on with your life (not forgetting your future regular smear check ups).

Overall, in conclusion and all other key closing words bundled in, it is clear that if you check on your body, you’ll notice changes and they can be dealt with, with the least amount of hassle. Sorry, if you were pulled in by the title thinking I would tell a saucy story but how about this, check your bits and you can live longer at a high quality of life and tell all the saucy stories you want yourself!!

Self-examining

It is easiest to check your breasts in the shower or bath. Run a soapy hand over each breast and up under your arm. The NHS breast awareness five-point code says:

    * Know what is normal for you

    * Look and feel

    * Know what changes to look for

    * Report any changes without delay

    * Attend for breast screening if you are aged 50 or over

    * You are checking for changes to the size, shape or feel of your breast

For the Pap test, book an appointment with you local GP or health clinic. It is recommended to take one every three years.

The best way to check your testicles is after a warm bath or shower, when the scrotal skin is relaxed. Hold your scrotum in the palms of your hands, so that you can use the fingers and thumb on both hands to examine your testicles for:

  • A hard lump on the front or side of the testicle
  • Swelling or enlargement of a testicle
  • An increase in firmness of a testicle
  • Pain or discomfort in a testicle or in the scrotum
  • An unusual difference between one testicle and the other

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